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padmeonpaper2009-05-02 02:20 pm
padme_kenobi) wrote in padmeonpaper2009-05-02 02:20 pm
Entry tags:
Fic: "Insanity Underrated" (Battlestar Galactica, Lee/Kara, 1/?)
Title: Insanity Underrated
Author:padme_kenobi
Characters/Pairings: Lee/Kara this chapter, mentions of Zak/Kara
Word Count: 4,328
Spoilers: Through Miniseries and S1's "You Can't Go Home Again."
Rating: R for sexual scenes
Summary: But he didn’t care. He had her back.
Author's Notes: So here it is, Chapter 1 of the all-new spiffy-diffy AU. I'll crosspost to communities and such when I'm not half-asleep and needing to do other stuff, probably tomorrow, and I will also endeavour to get Chapter 2 up before Friday, but for now, have a large and slightly porny tidbit of what's to come. ;) As always when I'm putting up a brand-new longfic, I am rather nervous, but whatever. This one really can't use much more editing than I've sunk into it already, heh. For full author's notes, please see this post.
You wanna give me a bath?
Frak it, why now?
Now, he needed to get to sleep. Now, because he had CAP in the morning and with Starbuck’s absence, he’d have to pull an extra shift. Now, because he only had about four hours. His rational, logical mind knew this. But damn it, he couldn’t get her words out of his brain, nor could he get rid of what he would have answered if he’d gotten the chance.
Lee knew the entire thing sounded stupid and ridiculous. About the only thing more stupid and ridiculous was that he had these thoughts in the first place, about a woman who was for all intents and purposes still his little brother’s fiancée. Zak had died two years ago, and Lee hadn’t seen Kara since the funeral. Oh, he’d tried, tried to draw up courage to look up her address and see how she was doing. A couple times he’d even found himself right outside her building. But turning up like that, unannounced, with no purpose in mind other than to — what? Tell her he was sorry? Tell her he missed Zak too? Tell her that the real reason he was staying away from her was because he’d felt an instant attraction? No, none of those would work, and he’d flushed at the very thought of that last statement. So, he never went inside to look for her apartment.
And then they’d ended up here, on this rattletrap battlestar. Fighting for their lives, yes, and with most of their civilization dead, but that was hardly enough to prevent his mind from wandering. He’d been in the process of working up courage when she disappeared, vanished onto that moon, and Lee had panicked, thinking he would never be able to say what he really wanted to say, do what he wanted to do. And as soon as he’d seen her on the stretcher all of that had come rushing back. Along with his fear, the fear he tried to repress, that they would leave her for dead on that moon. That they almost had.
Lee was good at repressing. Usually. But for some reason his vaunted skill was failing him tonight.
He wished that the bottoms of racks were more interesting to look at; maybe that way he could stop seeing Kara’s face imprinted upon the one above him every time he opened his eyes. She was there when he shut them too, her cocky smile and flippant tone belying the pain and exhaustion she must have felt as they loaded her onto the stretcher.
Frak this.
Lee got up and began to dress almost before he understood that he’d made a decision to do so, and by the time he knew that, he had already left the bunkroom and was walking along the quiet halls. When he grasped his destination a hot blush crept up his cheeks. What was he doing? This was ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. And yet he couldn’t stop; it was a compulsion. His feet were carrying him to sickbay and he really had very little say in the matter.
It was quiet and dark, most patients either in drug-induced comas or simply asleep. Lee strode right to the end of the ward, peering around the curtain, needing to see her.
Kara lay on her back, head turned slightly to one side and mouth half open, sleeping peacefully. He slipped into the cubicle and stood in the shadows, just out of sight, just watching her. Part of him, a significant part, felt like a voyeur, and he hated himself for it. But another part was relieved, pleased, as though he belonged there. As though this was the natural place for him to be, seeing her, making sure she was all right.
They almost lost her. They almost lost her, and he’d been ready to give up. He, Lee Adama, had been ready to give up. Of course, not without logic’s interference and a stern lecture from President Roslin. But still, he’d agreed with his father that the search ought to be called off. Felt startled when he’d gone out in pursuit of what they thought was an enemy Raider and not found her by his side, in her Viper, ready to run point. Felt shock, surprise, and then an overwhelming rush of love when he saw the letters S-T-A-R-B-U-C-K chalked on the Raider’s wings.
Love?
Really, Lee? Love?
Yes, damn it. Love.
He half-turned, looking for a surface to lean against so he could clear his head, and unexpectedly felt eyes on his back. Eyes, and then —
“Lee?” Her voice, foggy with exhaustion, but still her voice. “What the frak are you doing here?”
“I —” But she didn’t sound angry, so Lee decided against coming up with some lame excuse. “I just — I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
Kara snorted, but it was an affectionate noise. “Gods, I’m fine. Well.” She half-poked her tongue out of her mouth in a gesture he unexpectedly adored. “Busted knee, bumps and bruises, exhaustion —”
“Which you define as fine?” Lee blurted out.
“I’ve had worse.” She narrowed her eyes.
He narrowed his right back. “When?”
Kara looked away, towards the wall, and then to the ceiling, shifting slightly as her gaze finally landed on the bedside table. Lee looked too and saw a glass half-full of water, two round white pills next to it.
“Answer my question,” he said quietly.
“Frak you.” She whipped back the covers and attempted to get her elbows underneath her, wanting to pull up, but her knee moved unexpectedly and Kara hissed in pain. “Shit. Go away, Lee.”
She acted cranky when she was hurting; he remembered that much. So he didn’t say another word, simply picking up the pills and handing them to her. “These what you’re looking for?”
Her glare could have burned a hole through steel as she snatched them from his hand and shoved them in her mouth. Lee dutifully handed over the water and then, without even thinking, slid one arm around her shoulders to prop her up. It was only her breath hitching that let him know, and then he wasn’t sure whether to withdraw the support or keep it. In the end, acknowledgement of the principles of gravity won out, and his grasp tightened to make sure she didn’t fall.
“You’re welcome,” Lee said as Kara finished the glass.
“Thank you,” she snapped, the contempt in her tone undisguised. “Now take your frakking hands off me.”
He did, but slowly, lowering her gently back down to the pillow. If the light were better he might — might — just have thought there was a blush colouring her cheeks, but that couldn’t possibly be right. After all, this was Starbuck, who’d just informed him quite plainly that he was to get out of her sight. Why hadn’t he obeyed that command, too?
Perhaps because that was one thing she couldn’t make him do right now.
“I wanted to make sure you were okay,” Lee repeated, just for something to say.
“Well, I’m fine.” Her tone was considerably less benevolent than before. “So you can clear the frak out before I get up and make you get out.”
This was the old Kara, and Lee wanted to grin, but he knew he couldn’t without making her lose face. She wanted a challenge, was expecting a challenge. “Oh yeah? And just how are you going to do that, with a busted knee?” he replied with a snort.
“I can and I will!” Kara struggled up again, fighting her body for every inch of leverage. She got halfway there, halfway before gravity overtook her and she tumbled back down, hitting the pillows with a quiet whump. Lee looked away, expecting another tirade — they’d been speaking softly up until now so as not to wake anybody, but he had a feeling that was about to change — and nothing came. Nothing came for such a long time that he finally had to look back at the bed, concern welling within him.
She stared determinedly at the ceiling, her face expressionless.
“Please go away?”
It was barely above a whisper, and with none of the annoyance present before. He sighed, knowing that he couldn’t deny her this small piece of dignity. “I’m sorry. Good night, Starbuck.”
He was halfway to the curtain opening when Kara spoke in that same quiet way. “Lee?”
“Yeah?”
“I — I didn’t mean that, I just — it’s been a long day and —”
“You’re overwhelmed, I know,” Lee nodded, turning to face her. “It’s all right. I understand. We’ve all been there.”
“Yeah,” she echoed, but she was facing the wall again.
“Look, I — ah —” He drew up courage, knowing he might not get another opportunity. “It’s good to have you back. We thought you were dead.”
“Is that why you looked like a little lost dog when Cottle was taking me to sickbay?” Kara wisecracked.
“I — I did not!” Lee’s voice rose to a loud whisper. “I just thought — like I said, we all thought — you were gone. So I was glad to see you!”
“Glad enough that you’d give me a bath?” She winked.
He managed to keep his knees from going weak, but it was a close thing. “You were serious?”
“Of course! Gods, I stink. You’d stink too if you’d spent hours swimming in Raider guts.”
“Right.” Lee tucked his hands in his pockets; they seemed to be about four sizes too large right now. “Well —”
“You’re up, I’m up. And lords only know the doc isn’t going to take time out of his busy schedule. Besides, weren’t you the guy who said I smell like a latrine?” She was smiling now, one of her big shit-eating grins, and he was forcibly reminded that he almost lost all of this, just a few short hours ago. He almost lost his opportunity. He almost lost the reason he came to sickbay in the middle of the night four hours before CAP.
“Kara, I—” The words stuck in his throat, and Lee had to swallow hard before continuing. “Are you sure?”
“Would I have asked if I wasn’t?” She all but rolled her eyes. “Now get over here, before I change my mind.”
Exactly the kind of encouragement his brain didn’t need. “But a minute ago you were telling me to get the hell out …”
“Ancient history,” Kara smirked. “Or do you want me to do it again?”
“No, uh, that’s okay.”
Lee looked about for a basin and a sink, and to his logical brain’s distress, found both. The soap was there too, sitting almost mockingly in its metal dish. Resignedly he sighed and flipped the faucet, hoping they wouldn’t wake the other patients. Sickbay was mostly empty, true, but there was always the odd person who might complain. Besides, he felt almost positive that he was about to break approximately fourteen frat regs into tiny pieces. If Cottle came in …
“Warm or cold?” he barely managed to choke out.
“Warm please.”
The basin filled in a distressingly short time and Lee set it awkwardly on the bedside table. He returned to the sink, picked up the soap dish and promptly dropped it, metal hitting deck with a bang like a gunshot. They both froze, hyper-aware of small sounds, of every creak and shiver and whisper of machines clicking.
“Clumsy ass,” Kara muttered when they were sure no one was coming. “You’re going to wake the whole godsdamned ship.”
“I’m sorry,” Lee said crossly, wiping sweaty hands on his pants. “But do you even realize how many frakking regulations we’re breaking right now? If Cottle finds out he’ll throw us both in hack and my father will back him up!”
“Regulations, regulations.” She waved a hand nonchalantly as though it was nothing to worry about. “Is that all you can come up with? Same old Lee, I swear to gods. In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m used to that.”
“Well, I’m not.”
“Lords, Lee, if you’re so worried about your precious regulations, then forget it. Get your ass back to your rack and go to sleep like a good little daddy’s boy. Just answer me one question: why the hell did you come in here in the first place?”
He felt his hackles rising, hot anger filling his veins like a drug, but he knew that in a twisted way, that was precisely what Kara wanted. He couldn’t give it to her. “Don’t,” he gritted through clenched teeth. “Just — leave it.”
“Whoa, it speaks.” Her tone was still amused, and now Lee knew for sure she was goading him. “So, I’m supposed to leave it, says the almighty CAG. Leave it just like you did when you decided to come to sickbay instead of grab four extra hours of sleep, just to check on me? Hey pot, kettle’s calling.”
Why did she always manage to come up with the most irrefutable arguments? It wasn’t fair, it really wasn’t.
“Do you want this bath or not?” he growled.
“Geez, sorry. Remind me not to disturb the great hypocrite ever again.”
That was it. He whirled around, nearly knocking the soap dish to the floor again, and leaned directly over her bed. “Godsdamn it, Kara, you died. You died, your ship went down and my father and I gave up on you. We didn’t want to, but Laura Roslin got it through our heads how foolish we were being and forced us to abandon the search. And I died. I felt like you’d taken a godsdamn part of me with you. You know when the last time I felt like that was? When Zak died. There’s a part of me with him now, right there in his grave. But unlike Zak, you are actually still alive. So you’ll forgive me for wanting to take advantage of that.”
Even as he spat those last words at her Lee knew he’d gone too far, but damn it, she pushed him into it. Kara’s face darkened until it was almost unreadable, and she narrowed her eyes dangerously. “So that’s what this is about?” she hissed. “Zak? You’re using me as a substitute for your brother?”
Immediately guilt lanced through him, sharp and instant. “Kara, no, that’s not what I meant —”
“Because if that’s what you’re doing you can frakking forget it. I’m not Zak, I never will be and I do not need your pity or your charity. So you can just get the frak out right now, while you still can. Sir,” she added as an acidic afterthought.
“I didn’t mean it. Godsdamnit, Kara …” He was tempted to kick something in annoyance. “Every time someone dies it’s like this. But you, you are …” Lee groped for the words, for a way to summarize all she meant to him. Different, special and amazing all sprang to mind, and he dismissed them immediately. “You’re … you’re Starbuck.” Weak. Oh, so weak.
“And you, Lee, are pathetic. Get a frakking life.”
He wanted to snap that he had one, that it was right in front of him, that she represented everything good in his existence, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t say all of that. She wouldn’t believe him, and anyway, she was too pissed off right now to see his point.
So he showed her instead.
Lee moved from where he had her pinned, his arms gripping the bed railings, and he crushed his lips to hers. It was abrupt and it was hard and it was fast and it surprised both of them, shockingly driving home the point. Kara was rigid under his touch, anger making her hard and inflexible, but he pressed on, furiously, almost savagely, and she began to yield. More than that, she was taking control, bringing one hand up to caress his cheek, almost pulling him down on top of her as they fought for dominance. He grabbed the rail to steady himself and that seemed to bring them both out of their reverie so that they pulled back, staring amazed into each other’s eyes.
Kara was the first to speak. “Holy frak, Lee.”
A hot flush was rising to his face again and he stumbled backwards, bashing into the bedside table. “I’m sorry,” Lee gasped, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’ll just go …”
“No, don’t.” Her hazel eyes were shining. “Don’t. After that I’d be crazy not to want to see how you do with the bath.”
“Kara …” For the fiftieth time that night Lee wondered what he was doing there, whether they would actually see this through, what it’d mean for both of them. “I — I don’t know if I can …” He had no idea where he was going with that sentence, exactly, but thoughts were whirling through his mind, foremost among them that he was being incredibly disloyal to his little brother, standing there trying to keep it down while talking to Zak’s fiancée. After having just kissed Zak’s fiancée. What the hell had he been thinking?
“Frak,” Lee muttered, turning away and running nervous hands through his hair. Damn it all, he wanted her. It was why he came down here in the first place, and he was only just starting to admit that to himself. “Frak, we’re frakking frakked.”
Kara laughed, and he could tell it would have been one of her usual bellows if some measure of silence were not required. “Impressive command of the language you’ve got there. I think the air might just have turned blue.”
“Yeah, well.” He’d only succeeded in making his hair point to four corners of the compass. “Gods, what are we doing?”
“Being frak-ups?” she suggested. “That’s nothing new for me, you know.”
True enough. But Lee was not used to this. He followed rules, obeyed regulations, and always did as his superiors instructed. But no regulation he’d ever encountered covered this particular situation. There was no chapter in the rulebook or simulation entitled What to Do if You Find Yourself Falling in Love with Your Brother’s Fiancée. Lords, if only there were.
“Kara …” he started.
But she was looking at him like she’d never looked at him before, with the typical Starbuck smile on her face and a new gaze, a sort of pleading, in her eyes. And he knew he was frakked, had in fact been frakked from the moment he came in here, from the moment he decided to leave his rack and make his way down to sickbay.
She needed him.
She had never seemed to need anyone before. But she needed Lee, now.
Frak it.
Frak regulations, and where we are, and my father and Cottle and all the rest. Frak everything.
Lee started towards the bed, stretching out his hand, nodding towards the bottoms of her shirts. She responded to the unspoken question and grabbed the hems, jerking them up and over her head. For a moment he could not stop staring, because she wasn’t wearing a bra and he had never seen her like this, bared to him, nipples hardening in the slightly chilly air. A certain part of his anatomy started to return the salute, and still he looked. Looked at this part of her that was never intended for him, but that she was now baring for some reason known perhaps only to the gods.
“Eyes up here, soldier.” Kara snapped her fingers and smirked as Lee jumped slightly, startled. “Though they are impressive, aren’t they?”
“Modest as usual.” He swallowed and somehow his right hand made contact with the washcloth, dipped it into the basin and wrung it out. Lee felt almost as though he was moving in slow motion as he grasped her wrist, extended her arm, drifted the cloth up and down to wet the skin.
“Towel, Lee,” said Kara, and belatedly he realized there was water dripping all over the sheet. He shook his head at his own stupidity and grabbed one from the bedside table, laying it gently over her lap.
And Lee washed her arms, slowly but surely, taking as much time as he could because he didn’t want to think what would happen next, after he finished with that part of her. She provided the answer once again, however, and leant forward so he could repeat the procedure along her back. It was speckled with moles and small scars at whose origin he could not even guess. But she was beautiful. She was beautiful all the same.
“Mmm,” Kara hummed, and he glanced at her to see she had closed her eyes and was breathing slowly, deeply, with pleasure. “Do you know how long it is since anyone’s given me a massage?”
“People give you massages?”
“Ha, ha.” She reached to smack him but missed as he executed a perfect dodge, accidentally spattering water over her face.
“Hey!” Lightning-fast, Kara dipped her fingers into the basin and flicked the droplets at him in revenge. Before long they were in the midst of a small water fight, Lee using the additional range provided by the washcloth to his advantage. This lasted until she somehow managed to grab hold of the cloth and tug until he nearly toppled onto her. It was only the bed rail that prevented Lee from slamming full-force into her injured knee.
As it was, he suddenly found himself in very close proximity to her chest. She stroked his hair like he was a puppy and grinned down at him, every inch of her smile daring him to do exactly what he wanted to do.
So, since this was apparently the night to throw away regulations, Lee did.
He moved just an inch closer. He took one hardened nipple into his mouth. And he sucked it.
The quiet moan that snaked from between her lips was almost orgasmic in intensity and it shot straight to his groin. Oh, he was in trouble.
“Gods, Lee, more …”
He boosted himself back up and stared at the bed rail, frowning at the logistics. The only solution seemed to be to lower it, and after some febrile fumbling with the switch near the mattress, Lee managed it. He was about to crawl back into the bed when Kara issued another command, her voice as stern and authoritative as when she spoke to her nuggets.
“Pants. Off. Now.”
He thought of the incongruity of her giving him orders when usually it was the other way around — or rather, he gave orders and just hoped she’d obey them — but Lee didn’t bother to ponder it any further. Instead he stripped with military efficiency, briefs and all, until every last inch of him was standing straight and proud in front of her. Lee relished, just for a moment, the way her tongue darted swiftly and involuntarily out of her mouth, running over her lips in an undeniable sign of appreciation.
It was his turn to smirk; he had, after all, earned the right to be cocky. “Like what you see, Starbuck?”
No body part was ever sacred, of course, not in the bunkroom where unintentional drive-by glances were the norm. But this was far different. This time Kara drank him in with clear intent behind her eyes, and he let her. Wordlessly extending her hand — perhaps she didn’t trust herself to speak — she beckoned him forward to climb onto the bed.
Lee took his time, because this wasn’t just some ordinary quick-and-dirty frak. He didn’t want the sex only to get off, although that would greatly contribute to his physical comfort level at this point. No, he wanted it because this was Kara, who had been in and out of both his dreams and his nightmares for two years. This was Kara, whom he’d felt sure was lost to him. She had been lost, barely a day before. And gods if that didn’t bring a clench to his throat …
He settled himself astride her and she grinned, sliding downwards until Lee was nearly on top of her. “Gotta be quick, the doc’ll be in soon,” Kara whispered, her eyes alight. The idea seemed to excite her, but he could hardly think of anything more embarrassing, so he quickened his pace, leaning down to lave at her nipples, capturing her mouth again and again in a series of kisses, palming her breasts until she had to bite down on her lower lip to prevent the inevitable groans from snaking out and giving them away.
Kara moved her left leg to the side and arched against him, her pelvis just brushing his erection, and this time Lee was the one to stifle a moan. He decided enough was enough and in one sharp, quick thrust he’d filled her, slipped out and back in again. So hot and wet and tight and gods, he couldn’t remember ever having felt anything like it before. Lee bent his head, burying it in her chest to camouflage his quickening breathing. At this rate he’d never be able to hold out, and he knew it.
But she seemed as ready as he was, and after more rapid thrusts her muscles suddenly fluttered around him and she arched again, arched and arrived with an almost inaudible cry.
An inaudible cry that was his name.
“Lee …”
And that was the last straw, hearing her say it that way, so vulnerable and openly and lovingly. It replayed in his mind on a loop as Lee gasped and shuddered softly in his own climax, as their arms went around each other and brushed the sweat off their bodies.
***
Back in the bunkroom, clean and dressed, Lee lay blissfully in bed, listening to the snoring around him, at once marveling and puzzling over his own courage.
He knew things had become more complicated. He also knew that he likely had no concept of exactly what this entailed, what they might go through, whether this even meant anything to Kara. But he didn’t care. He had her back. The universe, or the Lords of Kobol, or whoever, had given him a warning.
He intended to heed it.
Author:
padme_kenobiCharacters/Pairings: Lee/Kara this chapter, mentions of Zak/Kara
Word Count: 4,328
Spoilers: Through Miniseries and S1's "You Can't Go Home Again."
Rating: R for sexual scenes
Summary: But he didn’t care. He had her back.
Author's Notes: So here it is, Chapter 1 of the all-new spiffy-diffy AU. I'll crosspost to communities and such when I'm not half-asleep and needing to do other stuff, probably tomorrow, and I will also endeavour to get Chapter 2 up before Friday, but for now, have a large and slightly porny tidbit of what's to come. ;) As always when I'm putting up a brand-new longfic, I am rather nervous, but whatever. This one really can't use much more editing than I've sunk into it already, heh. For full author's notes, please see this post.
You wanna give me a bath?
Frak it, why now?
Now, he needed to get to sleep. Now, because he had CAP in the morning and with Starbuck’s absence, he’d have to pull an extra shift. Now, because he only had about four hours. His rational, logical mind knew this. But damn it, he couldn’t get her words out of his brain, nor could he get rid of what he would have answered if he’d gotten the chance.
Lee knew the entire thing sounded stupid and ridiculous. About the only thing more stupid and ridiculous was that he had these thoughts in the first place, about a woman who was for all intents and purposes still his little brother’s fiancée. Zak had died two years ago, and Lee hadn’t seen Kara since the funeral. Oh, he’d tried, tried to draw up courage to look up her address and see how she was doing. A couple times he’d even found himself right outside her building. But turning up like that, unannounced, with no purpose in mind other than to — what? Tell her he was sorry? Tell her he missed Zak too? Tell her that the real reason he was staying away from her was because he’d felt an instant attraction? No, none of those would work, and he’d flushed at the very thought of that last statement. So, he never went inside to look for her apartment.
And then they’d ended up here, on this rattletrap battlestar. Fighting for their lives, yes, and with most of their civilization dead, but that was hardly enough to prevent his mind from wandering. He’d been in the process of working up courage when she disappeared, vanished onto that moon, and Lee had panicked, thinking he would never be able to say what he really wanted to say, do what he wanted to do. And as soon as he’d seen her on the stretcher all of that had come rushing back. Along with his fear, the fear he tried to repress, that they would leave her for dead on that moon. That they almost had.
Lee was good at repressing. Usually. But for some reason his vaunted skill was failing him tonight.
He wished that the bottoms of racks were more interesting to look at; maybe that way he could stop seeing Kara’s face imprinted upon the one above him every time he opened his eyes. She was there when he shut them too, her cocky smile and flippant tone belying the pain and exhaustion she must have felt as they loaded her onto the stretcher.
Frak this.
Lee got up and began to dress almost before he understood that he’d made a decision to do so, and by the time he knew that, he had already left the bunkroom and was walking along the quiet halls. When he grasped his destination a hot blush crept up his cheeks. What was he doing? This was ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. And yet he couldn’t stop; it was a compulsion. His feet were carrying him to sickbay and he really had very little say in the matter.
It was quiet and dark, most patients either in drug-induced comas or simply asleep. Lee strode right to the end of the ward, peering around the curtain, needing to see her.
Kara lay on her back, head turned slightly to one side and mouth half open, sleeping peacefully. He slipped into the cubicle and stood in the shadows, just out of sight, just watching her. Part of him, a significant part, felt like a voyeur, and he hated himself for it. But another part was relieved, pleased, as though he belonged there. As though this was the natural place for him to be, seeing her, making sure she was all right.
They almost lost her. They almost lost her, and he’d been ready to give up. He, Lee Adama, had been ready to give up. Of course, not without logic’s interference and a stern lecture from President Roslin. But still, he’d agreed with his father that the search ought to be called off. Felt startled when he’d gone out in pursuit of what they thought was an enemy Raider and not found her by his side, in her Viper, ready to run point. Felt shock, surprise, and then an overwhelming rush of love when he saw the letters S-T-A-R-B-U-C-K chalked on the Raider’s wings.
Love?
Really, Lee? Love?
Yes, damn it. Love.
He half-turned, looking for a surface to lean against so he could clear his head, and unexpectedly felt eyes on his back. Eyes, and then —
“Lee?” Her voice, foggy with exhaustion, but still her voice. “What the frak are you doing here?”
“I —” But she didn’t sound angry, so Lee decided against coming up with some lame excuse. “I just — I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
Kara snorted, but it was an affectionate noise. “Gods, I’m fine. Well.” She half-poked her tongue out of her mouth in a gesture he unexpectedly adored. “Busted knee, bumps and bruises, exhaustion —”
“Which you define as fine?” Lee blurted out.
“I’ve had worse.” She narrowed her eyes.
He narrowed his right back. “When?”
Kara looked away, towards the wall, and then to the ceiling, shifting slightly as her gaze finally landed on the bedside table. Lee looked too and saw a glass half-full of water, two round white pills next to it.
“Answer my question,” he said quietly.
“Frak you.” She whipped back the covers and attempted to get her elbows underneath her, wanting to pull up, but her knee moved unexpectedly and Kara hissed in pain. “Shit. Go away, Lee.”
She acted cranky when she was hurting; he remembered that much. So he didn’t say another word, simply picking up the pills and handing them to her. “These what you’re looking for?”
Her glare could have burned a hole through steel as she snatched them from his hand and shoved them in her mouth. Lee dutifully handed over the water and then, without even thinking, slid one arm around her shoulders to prop her up. It was only her breath hitching that let him know, and then he wasn’t sure whether to withdraw the support or keep it. In the end, acknowledgement of the principles of gravity won out, and his grasp tightened to make sure she didn’t fall.
“You’re welcome,” Lee said as Kara finished the glass.
“Thank you,” she snapped, the contempt in her tone undisguised. “Now take your frakking hands off me.”
He did, but slowly, lowering her gently back down to the pillow. If the light were better he might — might — just have thought there was a blush colouring her cheeks, but that couldn’t possibly be right. After all, this was Starbuck, who’d just informed him quite plainly that he was to get out of her sight. Why hadn’t he obeyed that command, too?
Perhaps because that was one thing she couldn’t make him do right now.
“I wanted to make sure you were okay,” Lee repeated, just for something to say.
“Well, I’m fine.” Her tone was considerably less benevolent than before. “So you can clear the frak out before I get up and make you get out.”
This was the old Kara, and Lee wanted to grin, but he knew he couldn’t without making her lose face. She wanted a challenge, was expecting a challenge. “Oh yeah? And just how are you going to do that, with a busted knee?” he replied with a snort.
“I can and I will!” Kara struggled up again, fighting her body for every inch of leverage. She got halfway there, halfway before gravity overtook her and she tumbled back down, hitting the pillows with a quiet whump. Lee looked away, expecting another tirade — they’d been speaking softly up until now so as not to wake anybody, but he had a feeling that was about to change — and nothing came. Nothing came for such a long time that he finally had to look back at the bed, concern welling within him.
She stared determinedly at the ceiling, her face expressionless.
“Please go away?”
It was barely above a whisper, and with none of the annoyance present before. He sighed, knowing that he couldn’t deny her this small piece of dignity. “I’m sorry. Good night, Starbuck.”
He was halfway to the curtain opening when Kara spoke in that same quiet way. “Lee?”
“Yeah?”
“I — I didn’t mean that, I just — it’s been a long day and —”
“You’re overwhelmed, I know,” Lee nodded, turning to face her. “It’s all right. I understand. We’ve all been there.”
“Yeah,” she echoed, but she was facing the wall again.
“Look, I — ah —” He drew up courage, knowing he might not get another opportunity. “It’s good to have you back. We thought you were dead.”
“Is that why you looked like a little lost dog when Cottle was taking me to sickbay?” Kara wisecracked.
“I — I did not!” Lee’s voice rose to a loud whisper. “I just thought — like I said, we all thought — you were gone. So I was glad to see you!”
“Glad enough that you’d give me a bath?” She winked.
He managed to keep his knees from going weak, but it was a close thing. “You were serious?”
“Of course! Gods, I stink. You’d stink too if you’d spent hours swimming in Raider guts.”
“Right.” Lee tucked his hands in his pockets; they seemed to be about four sizes too large right now. “Well —”
“You’re up, I’m up. And lords only know the doc isn’t going to take time out of his busy schedule. Besides, weren’t you the guy who said I smell like a latrine?” She was smiling now, one of her big shit-eating grins, and he was forcibly reminded that he almost lost all of this, just a few short hours ago. He almost lost his opportunity. He almost lost the reason he came to sickbay in the middle of the night four hours before CAP.
“Kara, I—” The words stuck in his throat, and Lee had to swallow hard before continuing. “Are you sure?”
“Would I have asked if I wasn’t?” She all but rolled her eyes. “Now get over here, before I change my mind.”
Exactly the kind of encouragement his brain didn’t need. “But a minute ago you were telling me to get the hell out …”
“Ancient history,” Kara smirked. “Or do you want me to do it again?”
“No, uh, that’s okay.”
Lee looked about for a basin and a sink, and to his logical brain’s distress, found both. The soap was there too, sitting almost mockingly in its metal dish. Resignedly he sighed and flipped the faucet, hoping they wouldn’t wake the other patients. Sickbay was mostly empty, true, but there was always the odd person who might complain. Besides, he felt almost positive that he was about to break approximately fourteen frat regs into tiny pieces. If Cottle came in …
“Warm or cold?” he barely managed to choke out.
“Warm please.”
The basin filled in a distressingly short time and Lee set it awkwardly on the bedside table. He returned to the sink, picked up the soap dish and promptly dropped it, metal hitting deck with a bang like a gunshot. They both froze, hyper-aware of small sounds, of every creak and shiver and whisper of machines clicking.
“Clumsy ass,” Kara muttered when they were sure no one was coming. “You’re going to wake the whole godsdamned ship.”
“I’m sorry,” Lee said crossly, wiping sweaty hands on his pants. “But do you even realize how many frakking regulations we’re breaking right now? If Cottle finds out he’ll throw us both in hack and my father will back him up!”
“Regulations, regulations.” She waved a hand nonchalantly as though it was nothing to worry about. “Is that all you can come up with? Same old Lee, I swear to gods. In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m used to that.”
“Well, I’m not.”
“Lords, Lee, if you’re so worried about your precious regulations, then forget it. Get your ass back to your rack and go to sleep like a good little daddy’s boy. Just answer me one question: why the hell did you come in here in the first place?”
He felt his hackles rising, hot anger filling his veins like a drug, but he knew that in a twisted way, that was precisely what Kara wanted. He couldn’t give it to her. “Don’t,” he gritted through clenched teeth. “Just — leave it.”
“Whoa, it speaks.” Her tone was still amused, and now Lee knew for sure she was goading him. “So, I’m supposed to leave it, says the almighty CAG. Leave it just like you did when you decided to come to sickbay instead of grab four extra hours of sleep, just to check on me? Hey pot, kettle’s calling.”
Why did she always manage to come up with the most irrefutable arguments? It wasn’t fair, it really wasn’t.
“Do you want this bath or not?” he growled.
“Geez, sorry. Remind me not to disturb the great hypocrite ever again.”
That was it. He whirled around, nearly knocking the soap dish to the floor again, and leaned directly over her bed. “Godsdamn it, Kara, you died. You died, your ship went down and my father and I gave up on you. We didn’t want to, but Laura Roslin got it through our heads how foolish we were being and forced us to abandon the search. And I died. I felt like you’d taken a godsdamn part of me with you. You know when the last time I felt like that was? When Zak died. There’s a part of me with him now, right there in his grave. But unlike Zak, you are actually still alive. So you’ll forgive me for wanting to take advantage of that.”
Even as he spat those last words at her Lee knew he’d gone too far, but damn it, she pushed him into it. Kara’s face darkened until it was almost unreadable, and she narrowed her eyes dangerously. “So that’s what this is about?” she hissed. “Zak? You’re using me as a substitute for your brother?”
Immediately guilt lanced through him, sharp and instant. “Kara, no, that’s not what I meant —”
“Because if that’s what you’re doing you can frakking forget it. I’m not Zak, I never will be and I do not need your pity or your charity. So you can just get the frak out right now, while you still can. Sir,” she added as an acidic afterthought.
“I didn’t mean it. Godsdamnit, Kara …” He was tempted to kick something in annoyance. “Every time someone dies it’s like this. But you, you are …” Lee groped for the words, for a way to summarize all she meant to him. Different, special and amazing all sprang to mind, and he dismissed them immediately. “You’re … you’re Starbuck.” Weak. Oh, so weak.
“And you, Lee, are pathetic. Get a frakking life.”
He wanted to snap that he had one, that it was right in front of him, that she represented everything good in his existence, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t say all of that. She wouldn’t believe him, and anyway, she was too pissed off right now to see his point.
So he showed her instead.
Lee moved from where he had her pinned, his arms gripping the bed railings, and he crushed his lips to hers. It was abrupt and it was hard and it was fast and it surprised both of them, shockingly driving home the point. Kara was rigid under his touch, anger making her hard and inflexible, but he pressed on, furiously, almost savagely, and she began to yield. More than that, she was taking control, bringing one hand up to caress his cheek, almost pulling him down on top of her as they fought for dominance. He grabbed the rail to steady himself and that seemed to bring them both out of their reverie so that they pulled back, staring amazed into each other’s eyes.
Kara was the first to speak. “Holy frak, Lee.”
A hot flush was rising to his face again and he stumbled backwards, bashing into the bedside table. “I’m sorry,” Lee gasped, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’ll just go …”
“No, don’t.” Her hazel eyes were shining. “Don’t. After that I’d be crazy not to want to see how you do with the bath.”
“Kara …” For the fiftieth time that night Lee wondered what he was doing there, whether they would actually see this through, what it’d mean for both of them. “I — I don’t know if I can …” He had no idea where he was going with that sentence, exactly, but thoughts were whirling through his mind, foremost among them that he was being incredibly disloyal to his little brother, standing there trying to keep it down while talking to Zak’s fiancée. After having just kissed Zak’s fiancée. What the hell had he been thinking?
“Frak,” Lee muttered, turning away and running nervous hands through his hair. Damn it all, he wanted her. It was why he came down here in the first place, and he was only just starting to admit that to himself. “Frak, we’re frakking frakked.”
Kara laughed, and he could tell it would have been one of her usual bellows if some measure of silence were not required. “Impressive command of the language you’ve got there. I think the air might just have turned blue.”
“Yeah, well.” He’d only succeeded in making his hair point to four corners of the compass. “Gods, what are we doing?”
“Being frak-ups?” she suggested. “That’s nothing new for me, you know.”
True enough. But Lee was not used to this. He followed rules, obeyed regulations, and always did as his superiors instructed. But no regulation he’d ever encountered covered this particular situation. There was no chapter in the rulebook or simulation entitled What to Do if You Find Yourself Falling in Love with Your Brother’s Fiancée. Lords, if only there were.
“Kara …” he started.
But she was looking at him like she’d never looked at him before, with the typical Starbuck smile on her face and a new gaze, a sort of pleading, in her eyes. And he knew he was frakked, had in fact been frakked from the moment he came in here, from the moment he decided to leave his rack and make his way down to sickbay.
She needed him.
She had never seemed to need anyone before. But she needed Lee, now.
Frak it.
Frak regulations, and where we are, and my father and Cottle and all the rest. Frak everything.
Lee started towards the bed, stretching out his hand, nodding towards the bottoms of her shirts. She responded to the unspoken question and grabbed the hems, jerking them up and over her head. For a moment he could not stop staring, because she wasn’t wearing a bra and he had never seen her like this, bared to him, nipples hardening in the slightly chilly air. A certain part of his anatomy started to return the salute, and still he looked. Looked at this part of her that was never intended for him, but that she was now baring for some reason known perhaps only to the gods.
“Eyes up here, soldier.” Kara snapped her fingers and smirked as Lee jumped slightly, startled. “Though they are impressive, aren’t they?”
“Modest as usual.” He swallowed and somehow his right hand made contact with the washcloth, dipped it into the basin and wrung it out. Lee felt almost as though he was moving in slow motion as he grasped her wrist, extended her arm, drifted the cloth up and down to wet the skin.
“Towel, Lee,” said Kara, and belatedly he realized there was water dripping all over the sheet. He shook his head at his own stupidity and grabbed one from the bedside table, laying it gently over her lap.
And Lee washed her arms, slowly but surely, taking as much time as he could because he didn’t want to think what would happen next, after he finished with that part of her. She provided the answer once again, however, and leant forward so he could repeat the procedure along her back. It was speckled with moles and small scars at whose origin he could not even guess. But she was beautiful. She was beautiful all the same.
“Mmm,” Kara hummed, and he glanced at her to see she had closed her eyes and was breathing slowly, deeply, with pleasure. “Do you know how long it is since anyone’s given me a massage?”
“People give you massages?”
“Ha, ha.” She reached to smack him but missed as he executed a perfect dodge, accidentally spattering water over her face.
“Hey!” Lightning-fast, Kara dipped her fingers into the basin and flicked the droplets at him in revenge. Before long they were in the midst of a small water fight, Lee using the additional range provided by the washcloth to his advantage. This lasted until she somehow managed to grab hold of the cloth and tug until he nearly toppled onto her. It was only the bed rail that prevented Lee from slamming full-force into her injured knee.
As it was, he suddenly found himself in very close proximity to her chest. She stroked his hair like he was a puppy and grinned down at him, every inch of her smile daring him to do exactly what he wanted to do.
So, since this was apparently the night to throw away regulations, Lee did.
He moved just an inch closer. He took one hardened nipple into his mouth. And he sucked it.
The quiet moan that snaked from between her lips was almost orgasmic in intensity and it shot straight to his groin. Oh, he was in trouble.
“Gods, Lee, more …”
He boosted himself back up and stared at the bed rail, frowning at the logistics. The only solution seemed to be to lower it, and after some febrile fumbling with the switch near the mattress, Lee managed it. He was about to crawl back into the bed when Kara issued another command, her voice as stern and authoritative as when she spoke to her nuggets.
“Pants. Off. Now.”
He thought of the incongruity of her giving him orders when usually it was the other way around — or rather, he gave orders and just hoped she’d obey them — but Lee didn’t bother to ponder it any further. Instead he stripped with military efficiency, briefs and all, until every last inch of him was standing straight and proud in front of her. Lee relished, just for a moment, the way her tongue darted swiftly and involuntarily out of her mouth, running over her lips in an undeniable sign of appreciation.
It was his turn to smirk; he had, after all, earned the right to be cocky. “Like what you see, Starbuck?”
No body part was ever sacred, of course, not in the bunkroom where unintentional drive-by glances were the norm. But this was far different. This time Kara drank him in with clear intent behind her eyes, and he let her. Wordlessly extending her hand — perhaps she didn’t trust herself to speak — she beckoned him forward to climb onto the bed.
Lee took his time, because this wasn’t just some ordinary quick-and-dirty frak. He didn’t want the sex only to get off, although that would greatly contribute to his physical comfort level at this point. No, he wanted it because this was Kara, who had been in and out of both his dreams and his nightmares for two years. This was Kara, whom he’d felt sure was lost to him. She had been lost, barely a day before. And gods if that didn’t bring a clench to his throat …
He settled himself astride her and she grinned, sliding downwards until Lee was nearly on top of her. “Gotta be quick, the doc’ll be in soon,” Kara whispered, her eyes alight. The idea seemed to excite her, but he could hardly think of anything more embarrassing, so he quickened his pace, leaning down to lave at her nipples, capturing her mouth again and again in a series of kisses, palming her breasts until she had to bite down on her lower lip to prevent the inevitable groans from snaking out and giving them away.
Kara moved her left leg to the side and arched against him, her pelvis just brushing his erection, and this time Lee was the one to stifle a moan. He decided enough was enough and in one sharp, quick thrust he’d filled her, slipped out and back in again. So hot and wet and tight and gods, he couldn’t remember ever having felt anything like it before. Lee bent his head, burying it in her chest to camouflage his quickening breathing. At this rate he’d never be able to hold out, and he knew it.
But she seemed as ready as he was, and after more rapid thrusts her muscles suddenly fluttered around him and she arched again, arched and arrived with an almost inaudible cry.
An inaudible cry that was his name.
“Lee …”
And that was the last straw, hearing her say it that way, so vulnerable and openly and lovingly. It replayed in his mind on a loop as Lee gasped and shuddered softly in his own climax, as their arms went around each other and brushed the sweat off their bodies.
***
Back in the bunkroom, clean and dressed, Lee lay blissfully in bed, listening to the snoring around him, at once marveling and puzzling over his own courage.
He knew things had become more complicated. He also knew that he likely had no concept of exactly what this entailed, what they might go through, whether this even meant anything to Kara. But he didn’t care. He had her back. The universe, or the Lords of Kobol, or whoever, had given him a warning.
He intended to heed it.